For a while I was debating on whether to post this article for a number of reasons. The first one being that it is pretty personal in my views of friendships. It really tells a lot about me, and it does carry a weight of emotions behind it. But if I’m going to blog, then I’m going to blog. So here goes nothing.
When you become good at reading a person’s true intention, it becomes a double-edged sword. You know what a person really is about before they can open their mouth to explain their actions, and it’s disheartening. I sat down and took a look at my failed friendships. I found through the lack of trust, loyalty, and increased jealousy; most friendships have failed.
Lack of Trust/Honesty
This has by far been the most problematic for me. One of my flaws is that I do not trust easily. This is due to past experiences. Because of this I hold people in a high regard. Some of the ways people break trust include dishonest behavior, such as the person repeats something said to them that causes damage to your other relationships. There is no dependability noted. Lack of integrity is evident and you are highly suspicion of the person’s motives.
If you lack trust in a person and you wish to remain friends, then first off kudos to you. Building trust is very difficult once it has been broken. It requires a lot of time and energy. Let’s face it, we lack the patience to rebuild. Most of us now a days look for quick fixes. If things don’t go our way, we throw it out and start over. How will we ever grow as human beings if we continue this pattern of behavior? We need to look at what happened and see where our error was. How will we ever get to the root cause to fix it without self-assessment? In order to rebuild trust, both parties involved must be willing to work together in order to achieve the set goal. This cannot happen if one is not fully committed to the cause. Work on the ways you both view trustful behavior, and stick to the plan. In time, your lack of trust will stabilize to where you are both comfortable with each other. Your friendship will then mend.
Lack of Loyalty
Another big issue that I have found has been a lack of loyalty. This goes in hand with the lack of trust. Loyalty, by definition, is a strong feeling of alliance for an individual or group. Loyal behavior includes but are not limited to: self-sacrifice, honesty, dependability, trust, and respect for the person’s or group’s values. There is a phenomenon taking the world in which people lack good moral judgement and have no empathy for one another. They tend to look out for themselves, and lack empathy when working with others. This is capitalized on social media, and even in our politics. It has come to a point where people cannot recognize loyalty any more. They assume that everyone is disloyal and behave according to this belief. This is a problem. A big problem.
The resolution for this problem is also time consuming and gradual. Loyal behavior includes dependability. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Be sure that your behavior is in the person’s best intention at heart. Do not seek to destroy someone that you care about by being disloyal. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to work on loyalty. You must remain consistent. Once achieved, both you and your friend will appreciate one another more than ever and have a higher level of respect for one another.
Increased Jealousy or Envy
For female friendships, this is the most common problem: You don’t know what happened by now your friend is acting shady. She ignores your phone calls and avoids you completely. There’s a sense of resistance from her. When asked, she simply avoids the subject, or changes it. This is particularly true if you have gotten a better job, or have excelled in a way that she hasn’t. She is jealous and feels inferior to you. Jealousy is the cause of a lot of failed friendships and extremely violent behavior. One reason can be attributed to social media. People view your posts of success and feel like their own life lacks it. Instead of inspiring the individual, it actually makes them feel mediocre and inferior. This may lead to anger and depression. These types of people seek to destroy what you have. No question about it.
If a person feels inadequate around you then they do. You could try to make them feel secure in your friendship, but they may want that success for themselves. No matter how hard you try to sell the win/win mentality (you win/she wins), they will forever feel that your win was their loss. The best solution for this, after failed attempts in trying to have her feel secure, is to walk away. As feelings of envy grow, they will tend to be more outspoken about it and violence may very well ensue. Walk away before this happens.
It is very hard on anyone who has failed friendships to really pinpoint why they went wrong. If you were able to identify that one of the above stated reasons were the cause, then you are one of the lucky ones. Although lack of trust, lack of loyalty, and jealousy is some of the common reasons why friendships fail, there are a lot more. Don’t be discouraged. No one individual is perfect, we all have our flaws. But remember, you choose what you want to put up with. Some people will put up with things that are viewed as crazy for others. That maybe, however, something that they are able to handle. We shouldn’t judge. Enjoy the friendships that you have and take care of them. And, take care of yourself.
Yaritza Ellison has been an nurse since 2010. She has been essential to the healing process of many and seeks to continue to do so. Her passion for mental health and self help literature has lead her to launch justyari.org, where she aspires to coach young ladies navigating through work-life balance.