If you have had your heart broken in the past then you know that there are times that you have a really hard time trusting yourself. You tend to analyze those around you and scrutinize their body language/actions as a potential threat to your well being and mental state. This may be due to the fact that you hate the time you have invested in your previous significant other and are vowing to never do that again.
This is no way to live. Not at all. You could potentially be unable to trust yourself to make the correct decisions. You may think that this failed relationship may be due to your inability to see a person’s true intentions. This is not the case. In his book The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk goes into great detail about the effects of trauma on the body. Although most will say romantic heartbreaks are not “traumatic,” it does sometimes yield the same effects. Without getting too scienty in this article, I do want to help you start to trust yourself again. I also want to express my deepest apologies for the situation that caused you to be untrusting of yourself. I understand this pain deeply and would like to encourage you to take some time to reflect on the information written in this article. 1. Be Kind to Yourself & Accept What Has Happened If you have read some previous articles on this blog then you know that I am a big fan of accepting the past before going forward with the present and future. I have and will continue to promote that we can never change any previous events. The point is to recognize what has happened. And to let yourself grieve for the person that once was and can never be. Be kind to yourself. During this time, you will be going through the grieving process: depression, anger, bargaining, denial, and acceptance. Each stage of the grieving process has no set time limit, nor does it go in a linear pattern. I’m sorry to ruin your day if you thought I would say that it would be quick and easy. 2. Let the past live in the past You should look at past events without blaming or deprecating yourself. Viewing the past objectively without anger or fear allows you to see your former self and forgive her for what has happened. You were in love or blindsided. You were deceived or taken for granted. However, under no circumstance were you able to see what would’ve happened. Trying to do so will leave you going around in circles, attempting to see clues where there were none, and reliving the pain over and over again. That is unless you are Dr. Strange and have the time stone. If you, are then use it to give me the winning lottery numbers please :) Okay seriously, once you let the past go, you literally unstick yourself from the fear that kept you in place. You will never feel more free than at the very moment when you leave your past behind you. Doing so will free you to more meaningful life events and connections. We by nature are social creatures. We need to feel like we belong and are accepted for who we are. Being unable to trust yourself will sever that connection with others. 3. Learn from your mistakes When you make a mistake and realize it was made, what is your first reaction? Do you sit and sulk or do you get excited because you know you will learn from it? If your reaction is the latter, then you are on your way to self improvement. Trust that any mistake you make will indeed build you in character. Even if a mistake or any misstep was made, isn’t it better to think of it as a learning opportunity that your future self will love you for? Understand that mistakes are made for the simple purpose of teaching you a significant life lesson. Don’t be afraid to make them or go against any opposition. In doing so, you will gain invaluable experiences that you can give to others. 4. Remind yourself that you are safe Have you ever been in a social setting and had the uneasy feeling that you were judged by everything you said? Or do you always find yourself on guard whenever you are approached by someone who may just want to ask a question? These are definitely signs that you cannot trust yourself (or anyone else). Sometimes, before we are even ready to, we try to seek others in order to heal ourselves. This can never work because we are not comfortable with our own selves and therefore will project the pain and hurt we feel onto others. This is why we begin to analyze others and perceive hurtful actions before they even begin. I challenge you to find a quiet area for yourself and really allow yourself to feel safe. Try to reconnect yourself with your body. Find a yoga blog, or YouTube channel to begin focusing on your breathing. Examine the thoughts that flow into your mind and allow yourself to feel them, knowing that you will let them go. If you become overwhelmed at any point, remind yourself that you are safe, and this is part of the healing process. 5. Maintain an open mind During the time that you are examining your thoughts and feelings, maintain an open mind to the possibilities of actually healing from your past. Most of us don’t even think about it, but if you are closed off to healing, then healing will not occur. The potential to move on will never come, and you will feel as though you failed (yet again) at something else. I challenge you to ask yourself if you are ready to proceed. Do you really want to be able to make deep and meaningful connections with others? Why? Why not? Why do you fear pain when you have already felt it and know what it’s like? You have survived! You have succeeded in being here. Yes, you carry scars, but so do others. Your past may be the greatest origin story of success the world has ever heard. Why keep it to yourself? Share with the world how amazing it is that you have lived, and continued to do so despite ugly circumstances. Who are we, in turn, to judge what is and what is not traumatic to one another? Each person suffers in their own way. Each person has a very unique perception of what is traumatic to them. No one person has the right to judge you, or what you have gone through. Moreover, there is not one person that can judge what you did when you were in pain. Understand that pain can make people do things that they would normally never do. As long as you did not infringe on another human’s rights while seeking healing, then judgment should never be passed. Trusting yourself after heartache or any other traumatic experience will take time, as healing always does. The fact that you are here indicates that you are willing to take some time to care for yourself. Be proud of taking this first step to self awareness. Please feel free to share your life experiences in the comments below. I love to interact with my readers and look forward to hearing from you. How did you handle a tough situation in which you needed to heal? Did you seek professional counseling? Did you self medicate? What was your breaking point? How are you doing now?
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This past Sunday, I was able to connect with men that have achieved the goals that they set out for themselves. It was one of the most stimulating conversations I have had in a long time with some truly genuine and remarkable individuals. They have, in my eyes, have found their path for true success and happiness. In that same vein, they have also expressed some of the less appealing repercussions that they had to face when they finally reached their end goals. These are some of the less talked about things that most people often come into contact with when they do achieve their goals. The unfortunate reality is that it has become more and more prevalent in today’s society. It is the very reason why stars become victims to their success. Without a healthy set of coping mechanisms and a trusting support system, they turn to things like drugs to numb the pain and loneliness. Here are just 7 repercussions that you may encounter once your hard work begins to pay off. #1 You are envied Consider this. You have worked hard all your life to master your skill in a sport. You have put countless hours in training, obsessing on every aspect of the game in order to become the best. You sacrificed time, money, and a whole lot of potential partying in order to achieve success because you have genuine passion for the craft. Chances are that if you did all this over 10 years you have become an expert. That no matter which team you are drafted in you bring the magic that is you to it. It is the magic that you slowly gathered through hard work and dedication. Now imagine that people hate you for it. This is what happens to those people who achieve this level of success. The funky thing about this envy that you have gained is that people do not like to recognize their envy. They say things like “I don’t like him because he whines,” or “I don’t know why he got so upset, what’s wrong with him.” Envy is one of those feelings that we all like to think we don’t have. It’s the reason why you get negative feelings when your friend gets the promotion over you. Or the thing that you swallow when you see the progress that a new business has had during a pandemic while yours struggle. Understand that if you achieve true success and are genuinely happy, chances are that envy will follow you and there is nothing that you can do to detour it. The sources will come from the most unlikely places. Family, friends, co- workers, etc. This is the very reason why a lot of people have a large thick wall built around them. Overcoming envy: In order to overcome envy, you should gain friendships and connections prior to your success. Although this may increase the likelihood of jealousy, this also does give you some leverage. There is strength in numbers. When a situation arises where envy is present, shed the brightest possible light that you can to it. Make it known that there was nothing in particular that you have done to cross the person. The worst thing you can do to an envious human is to bring attention to their unruly behavior and patterns. Their routine will get old very quickly. #2 You are targeted/discredited I had a” friend” who I went painting with. While painting, I told her personal details about my entry into nursing. A year later, we both applied for a promotion to which I got. Our relationship was never the same. More recently, she integrated some details of my struggles in nursing into her own, making it her own. I would never suspect this individual of stooping to this level, but nevertheless she did. How did I take it? At the time I didn’t give it too much thought and proceeded with the meeting as usual. Later, I allowed myself to get angry, and upset. People who have worked hard fear their work will be discredited or downsized due to individuals who do not put the effort to achieving the heights that they have. Some people actually feel that others who just jump into the field that they have been in and have natural gifts should not receive an iota of credit for their natural gifts when they have worked so hard to become mediocre. Overcoming: Understand that this happens to all of us. Take comfort in knowing that these types of problems have been faced and conquered by others before you. Find a support system to keep you in line. Do not allow your anger to spill over and become evident. This is the reaction that they want to draw out of you. So when you become emotional or passionate, they can make you out to be the problem. Get angry, cry, and scream in private. Being targeted because of your success is something that will always be there. It should not discourage you from your present course. Stay on the path and you will gain more allies if you are in fact as good as you think you are. #3 You are cast out If you work in an environment that promotes competition, and are nowhere near having this be of value to you, then chances are that you will be cast out. You will be subjected to isolation by your peers because you don’t go with the cultural norm and are considered a misfit. Although there may be some relief in this, it is indeed a very dangerous thing to be isolated from the crowd. First, by isolating yourself or allowing yourself to be isolated, you easily become a target. This opens you up to a lot of passive aggressive behavior from others. Second, you have a decreased chance of making highly important allies. You should consider this greatly. Gaining allies is a remarkable resource. They help back you when your moral character is under attack, and are able to bail you out of sticky situations at a moments notice. Remember, there is strength in numbers. Third and finally, isolation can be detrimental to your mental health. 2020 has shown us a lot about human nature. One of them is that there is a deep rooted need inside everyone of us to feel connected to others. Overcoming: In order to protect your allies, create them in private away from the public eye. There should never be a paper trail or even a hint of who you are aligned with. Allies are one of the greatest resources you have. There should never be a reason so great that their identity be unfolded. Gain their counsel in private and maintain their relationship. Make sure to continue to foster it as you would when nurturing a child. #4 You begin to suspect everyone of ulterior motives This may be the very reason why in 2018, I decided to make a blog. It also maybe the reason why I choose wine over dealing with people at times as well. One is a healthy outlet, the other- not so much. If you are suspicious by nature, you are tenfold more apt to severely suspect others of ulterior motives. This is due to your past history of working with envious individuals that come from out of seemingly nowhere. This could also be manifested from your own personal relationships, where you have been betrayed by someone you loved and cherished. The fact that the relationship was toxic hurt more because you were unknowingly compliant with it. Consider this, more and more people who have become famous or successful manage family members who have their hands out for their hard earned income. They see their success, and feel they are owed a portion of it for either raising them or because they are blood related. Without a check and balance system, you will begin to isolate yourself. And we all know what happens when you do. Overcoming: In order to prevent suspecting everyone of everything, you need to set up a board of people that will keep you aligned to your goals. You can be honest or open with them, or you can use people who you feel can help you keep your ego in check. Just as people who align themselves against you think they are hurting you, they are actually benefiting you too. There is one quote that comes to mind as I write this. “Use your enemies more so than you would your friends,” or something like that. Those who are envious of you can temper your ego and keep you in top shape for the next attack. Whether it be from them or a new source. If you are more of the bootstrapping type, you can use their behavioral patterns to further gauge whether they are indeed a friend or foe. Don’t ignore the facial expressions they give when you are sharing good news. Don’t ignore that nagging feeling that you get if they continuously correct you and call it critiquing. Trust your gut, unless you ate a bad burrito from a bodega. #5 You become discouraged I mean, who wouldn’t be discouraged when you have to deal with these situations everyday?! Not only are you dealing with exterior forces saying that you aren’t good enough to have the success that you have, you are also dealing with your own self doubt. There is not one person in this universe who does not deal with self doubt. The thing is that some do not succumb to it. Overcoming: Having a support system is the best way to overcome melancholy moods and feelings of discouragement. Your support system should be a group of people that you can trust, preferably removed from the situation that you are currently in. You should also take up a distraction away from work. For me, the most therapeutic thing I can do when I become discouraged from any situation at work is to write. Not only am I helping you all overcome these situations, but I am giving myself my own advice in the process. Look for healthy distractions that are beneficial to you and your well being. When I was younger, if I became discouraged at work I would work at another job. I literally had 2 jobs for 80% of my adult life. Seeing the benefits from my labor was more therapeutic to me than sitting around and stewing on things that I could not change. #6 You don’t know who to trust Not knowing who to trust could be such a grave step to your success. It could back slide you to failure if you are not careful. With so many people coming at you from every direction, it is natural for anyone in this position to not know who to trust. This usually comes hand in hand with suspecting everyone of ulterior motives. While this can also lead to isolation, you can also use this to your benefit. Overcoming: Earlier I mentioned this quote, “Use your enemies more so than you would your friends.” Using this perspective could definitely benefit your actions here. Understand that without people or circumstances that are difficult, there would never be character development in stories. There will never be strength in folks that never had to lift a finger, and there will never be the brightest minds in our country without challenges to overcome.Difficult circumstances require some form of creative thinking. Not knowing who to trust keeps you aware of your surroundings. And just like the animal who lets their guard down is an easy prey to a carnivore, you will fall victim to an attack. #7 Your circle becomes smaller More and more I have seen this become a positive attribute to have on social media. We have become a culture of having a few choice friends and canceling out the rest of individuals who do not fall in line with our view of what a friend should be. And who is mad at that? Who can blame a highly successful individual who is not living check to check for protecting their investment in themselves? Why not have only 3 selected individuals to serve as your main councel you can discuss ideas with, respectfully disagree with, and have a great time with? As you can tell, I’m pro this particular repercussion of success, but there are downsides that we all should be aware of. The first is that we end up getting too comfy with people that are around us and are therefore prone to times where we could potentially be disrespected. When this happens, some of us who deal with individuals who are envious daily will take the slight as a high form of injury to our ego because it’s coming from a friend that we trusted. Second, your smaller circle is not immune to envious feelings. If they feel small or insignificant to your success as you achieve every milestone, then chances are that they are harboring some form of envy that will increase in size as it goes along. Overcoming: Do not close yourself off to having meaningful relationships with people. In our basic human form, we all need to feel connected and included. There is more to life than fighting the good fight every day. You will exhaust yourself if you solely do this. Being aware and in the moment when you are with these folks is key to not falling victim of some form of backstabbing. Understand that relationships change daily. What someone thought was a joke today, might think it’s offensive tomorrow. The purpose of this article is not to detour you from your success. It’s actually quite the opposite. I want to see us all succeed in what we put our mind to. This article is meant for you to be aware that with success, there comes a set of unforeseen set of problems that most people don’t know about or chose to ignore. It’s time that we all put our big boots on, get to work, and achieve that success that we all want. And now you can do so with more awareness. Previous Article... |
AuthorYaritza Ellison has been an nurse since 2010. She has been essential to the healing process of many and seeks to continue to do so. Her passion for mental health and self help literature has lead her to launch justyari.org, where she aspires to coach young ladies navigating through work-life balance. Categories
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